The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #28

 

 

Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

February 12, 2019

Potholes!  Anyone who has ventured out onto the roads recently has had to deal with these sinister sink-holes.  In no way do I mean to disparage the good and hard working people who maintain our roads – BUT, imagine my dismay upon discovering a cavernous crater right outside of my lair!  If these rascals feel free to scar the road of a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity and close personal friend of Chip Wood’s, who knows what havoc they are wreaking upon those who have no connection to Tire Discounters!

But fear not!  In the interest of safe travel for everyone, Tire Discounters ALWAYS offers free inspections, even to those who have not been wise enough to take advantage of their goods and services.

So the best thing you can do if you’ve encountered one of these malicious menaces is to head to Tire Discounters, toot-sweet, and have your tire inspected and alignment checked!

Now I must go.  I intend to stand guard over the pothole outside of my lair and warn unsuspecting drivers of the impending danger.  Fortunately, my cape is weather-proof.

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #27

 

 

Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

February 4, 2019

I have never been too concerned about my eyesight.  As a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity, my glasses are an integral part of my clever disguise.  And yet, dear diary, I must confide to you that the lenses are clear!  It was only after Tire Discounters installed my new windshield wipers that I supected something was amiss.  I anxiously awaited the first rain or snowfall after the installation so that I would witness perfect clarity with each swipe of the new blades.  Finally, the big day came, and with the falling of the first flakes I hopped in the Phantomobile for a spin!

Swipe/and the windshield is clean!  Then, more flakes and/swipe…an utterly pristine windshield!  As you might imagine, I was enthralled by process, but it’s rather repetitive to describe.

Just then, in scanning the road ahead left to right as safe drivers do, I detected a vague blurriness in objects that were far away.  I made haste to the eye doctor and was informed that my vision was not 20/20!

There is a lesson here.  New wipers at Tire Discounters are effective and endlessly fascinating, but proper vision is just as important.  So from this day on, when I see someone with unsightly streaks on their windshields, my advice will be twofold:  go to Tire Discounters for new windshield wipers – and get your eyes checked by a medical professional.

The Unfrozen Version of The Diary of the Phantom Tire Finder – Entry # 26

 

 

Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

January 31, 2019

Brrr!  It’s bitterly cold here in the nation’s heartland!  As I was browsing the internet looking for insulation tips for the lair and a thermal cape, it occurred to me that many people were probably battling battery and tire pressure issues.  As a long-time Tire Discounters customer and close personal friend of Chip Wood, I know that Tire Discounters offers free inspections for both.  (along with every other aspect of automotive maintenance, but that’s better saved for another diary entry)

How could I spread the word that help was right down the street at your nearest Tire Discounters!  I quickly snatched up my whiteboard and dry marker and wrote:  TIRE DISCOUNTERS CAN HELP!  Then, I took to streets to spread this message of hope.

Unfortunately, a sudden snow squall came up and covered the words TIRE DISCOUNTERS CAN.  So, there I was, a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity wearing a cape and glasses, enthusiastically waving a big sign that said HELP.

I would like to apologize to all the truly concerned and kind people who understandably misinterpreted my intent and offered assistance.

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #25

 

 

Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

January 23, 2019

You may think that being a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity would be a glamorous life.  But I am in the midst applying for a passport, and believe me, it’s been vexing.  Of course, I used my secret identity for the form, but then I came across a field that asked whether I ever used an alias.  What could I do, dear diary.  I can’t lie.  It just isn’t something I’m able to do.  So I responded that yes, I do indeed go by another name:  The Phantom Tire Buyer.

After sending in the form, it occurred to me that I may have made a mistake.  Somewhere in the Passport Authorization Building there is a clerk who will receive a passport application from a person who sometimes calls himself…well, you know.  Alas, I fear that may raise some “red flags” as they say.  Imagine that you were unfortunate enough never to have heard of my good friend Chip Wood or even Tire Discounters.  Certainly, my being a Phantom Tire Buyer makes perfect sense when one understands the context.  But what if you don’t?

Ah well, it appears that I may have some explaining to do.  But how?

To be continued…

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #24

 

 

Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

January 17, 2019

The other day I was sitting in my living room re-calibrating my Hunter alignment rack, when I heard the whimsical strains of the Tire Discounters jingle.  It was the chimes on my doorbell, which are programmed to repeat that delightful tune.  Someone was at the door of the Phantom’s Secret Lair!

I opened the door to find a little girl and her mother.  My first thought was that perhaps they’d gone to one of Tire Discounters’ competitors; bought tires without proper alignment, and were now stranded on the road from a tire mishap arising from weeks and months of improper tire wear.

Just then the little girl looked up at me with big brown eyes and asked, “would you like to buy some cookies?”

“This is my daughter Nova, the nice woman explained, and she’s a Girl Scout”.

Now, as a Phantom Tire Buyer, I myself don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but I knew some good friends that did!  “Why yes,” I said.  “I would like some cookies.”

“What kind would you like, sir?”

“Oh S’mores, please, definitely S’mores.”

“Okay great, thank you!  One box of S’mores?”

“No, I’d better get more than that.  I’ll take 120 boxes, please.”

“Wow!”

“One for each Tire Discounters location.  They’re growing fast you know.”

They thanked me profusely, and as they departed down the sidewalk of the lair, I heard the little girl ask her mother “can we come back on Halloween?”

The Diary Of The Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #23

Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

December 27, 2018

My good friend Mike at Tire Discounters and I were engaging in some friendly small talk today when he asked me what my New Year’s Resolutions were for 2019.   Fortunately, I had already considered various ways that I could be a better Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity.

Here’s my partial list:

  • Don’t startle people. I can patiently explain the importance of tire safety and automotive maintenance.  I don’t need to blurt it out.  Even though it is SO CRUCIAL!
  • Buy and sew on a proper fastener for my cape. The safety pin looks rather unprofessional.
  • Cultivate a sophisticated sense of humor. Oftentimes people have to explain to me when they’re engaged in light-hearted banter or joshing.
  • Get out more. Almost every Tire Discounters is surrounded by places where regular people congregate and get coffee, or shop, or go about the usual business of life.  Caveat:  when acting upon this resolution, always remember resolution #1.

The Diary Of The Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #22

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

December 20, 2018

Every year I struggle with the same dilemma:  what to get my friends at Tire Discounters for Christmas.  They work so hard all year keeping vehicles safe and tires aligned – what could I, a humble Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity, do for them to properly express my thanks?

Last year I decided to visit each store to express my gratitude personally.  Wow, what a whirlwind tour that turned out to be.  It isn’t easy visiting over 100 stores in 5 states – but I certainly met some interesting people along the way.  In one local eatery in Bardstown Kentucky, I struck up a conversation with a local gentlemen:

more “The Diary Of The Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #22”

The Diary Of The Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #19

Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

December 6, 2018

Alignment is so crucial!  And now, I’m noticing that others are getting the message.  The other day I was turning the rotary dial on my Philco television set when I happened upon the broadcast of a game of sports.  Apparently, in the football sport – if you are improperly aligned you are actually penalized!

Now I take a back seat to no one in championing the importance of proper alignment.  But a penalty?  Isn’t lack of handling and safety and improper tire wear punishment enough?  Why rub salt in the wound?  I say education is the answer.  Pull that team aside and patiently explain WHY proper alignment is so crucial!

It is tempting though, to don the costume of a referee and blow my whistle if I see a vehicle that I suspect is out of alignment.  Hmmm…

Learn more about alignment!