The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #33

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear Diary,

I was in line recently at my local grocer’s, when I happened to overhear a conversation between the husband and wife who were behind me.  “Which tire store was it that we’re going to”, the wife asked.  The husband’s reply cut me to the quick:

“Doesn’t matter.  They’re all alike.”

Now, I may have over reacted.  I spun around so fast that my cape got caught in the conveyor, and my safety glasses were knocked askew. 

“What!  Nay, my good man, tire stores are most decidedly NOT alike!”

I don’t know if they were somewhat put off by my cape and glasses, or were disturbed by my unexpected bellowing, but they decided to hurriedly choose another line, as did three people behind them. 

It’s a constant struggle for me to remember that, while tires and automotive safety are MY passion, most people simply are unaware that only Tire Discounters lives up to, and indeed, surpasses, the highest standards of the industry.  To choose just one example, you can’t name ONE other store that includes an alignment with every 4-tire purchase with standard installation.  Or who else pays such attention to detail?  Who else hand-grinds all mating surfaces?  Who else double hand-torques your lug nuts?  Who else has the state-of-the art equipment in order to re-calibrate the automatic drivers assistance systems (or ADAS, as I like to call it) in newer vehicles? 

At any rate, as I was checking out the nice man at the register kept staring at me rather oddly, and I’m quite sure I felt many eyes on me as I left the store. 

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #32

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity!

Dear Diary,

When I was a young Phantom, my formative years involved a lot of tinkering with alignment racks, mastering hand-torquing and learning the ins and outs of computer spin-balancing.  With all that, I would sometimes congratulate myself on my new found technical “wizardry”.

My friends, I was naïve.  Recently, my good friend, Chip Wood, invited me to see Tire Discounters’ latest industry-leading innovation:  a complex system designed to re-calibrate Advanced Driver Assistance Systems, aka, ADAS.  Wow!  Just wow. 

The Phantomobile has many years and miles on it, so it wasn’t until I experienced a ride in a 2018 vehicle that I gained a true appreciation of today’s ADAS system.  I was running some errands with my beloved Aunt Millie, when she pulled aside to attempt to parallel park into a very tight space.  “Oh, I don’t know if we’ll fit in that space, Auntie”, I said.  She responded by smiling broadly, pressing a button and lifting her hands off the wheel!  Well, you sophisticated readers know what happened:  the car parked itself!

I don’t pretend to be an expert on ADAS, but I met one at Tire Discounters.  Mr. Dave Cahill knows these systems backwards and forwards.  It was he who informed me that the systems operated with finely tuned cameras and sensors, and if this equipment wasn’t working properly it could endanger the safety of the driver and passengers. 

So my friends, if your car is equipped with one or more ADAS systems, I implore you to call my friends, the experts at Tire Discounters!

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #28



Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

February 12, 2019

Potholes!  Anyone who has ventured out onto the roads recently has had to deal with these sinister sink-holes.  In no way do I mean to disparage the good and hard working people who maintain our roads – BUT, imagine my dismay upon discovering a cavernous crater right outside of my lair!  If these rascals feel free to scar the road of a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity and close personal friend of Chip Wood’s, who knows what havoc they are wreaking upon those who have no connection to Tire Discounters!

But fear not!  In the interest of safe travel for everyone, Tire Discounters ALWAYS offers free inspections, even to those who have not been wise enough to take advantage of their goods and services.

So the best thing you can do if you’ve encountered one of these malicious menaces is to head to Tire Discounters, toot-sweet, and have your tire inspected and alignment checked!

Now I must go.  I intend to stand guard over the pothole outside of my lair and warn unsuspecting drivers of the impending danger.  Fortunately, my cape is weather-proof.

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #27



Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

February 4, 2019

I have never been too concerned about my eyesight.  As a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity, my glasses are an integral part of my clever disguise.  And yet, dear diary, I must confide to you that the lenses are clear!  It was only after Tire Discounters installed my new windshield wipers that I supected something was amiss.  I anxiously awaited the first rain or snowfall after the installation so that I would witness perfect clarity with each swipe of the new blades.  Finally, the big day came, and with the falling of the first flakes I hopped in the Phantomobile for a spin!

Swipe/and the windshield is clean!  Then, more flakes and/swipe…an utterly pristine windshield!  As you might imagine, I was enthralled by process, but it’s rather repetitive to describe.

Just then, in scanning the road ahead left to right as safe drivers do, I detected a vague blurriness in objects that were far away.  I made haste to the eye doctor and was informed that my vision was not 20/20!

There is a lesson here.  New wipers at Tire Discounters are effective and endlessly fascinating, but proper vision is just as important.  So from this day on, when I see someone with unsightly streaks on their windshields, my advice will be twofold:  go to Tire Discounters for new windshield wipers – and get your eyes checked by a medical professional.

The Unfrozen Version of The Diary of the Phantom Tire Finder – Entry # 26



Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

January 31, 2019

Brrr!  It’s bitterly cold here in the nation’s heartland!  As I was browsing the internet looking for insulation tips for the lair and a thermal cape, it occurred to me that many people were probably battling battery and tire pressure issues.  As a long-time Tire Discounters customer and close personal friend of Chip Wood, I know that Tire Discounters offers free inspections for both.  (along with every other aspect of automotive maintenance, but that’s better saved for another diary entry)

How could I spread the word that help was right down the street at your nearest Tire Discounters!  I quickly snatched up my whiteboard and dry marker and wrote:  TIRE DISCOUNTERS CAN HELP!  Then, I took to streets to spread this message of hope.

Unfortunately, a sudden snow squall came up and covered the words TIRE DISCOUNTERS CAN.  So, there I was, a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity wearing a cape and glasses, enthusiastically waving a big sign that said HELP.

I would like to apologize to all the truly concerned and kind people who understandably misinterpreted my intent and offered assistance.

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #25



Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

January 23, 2019

You may think that being a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity would be a glamorous life.  But I am in the midst applying for a passport, and believe me, it’s been vexing.  Of course, I used my secret identity for the form, but then I came across a field that asked whether I ever used an alias.  What could I do, dear diary.  I can’t lie.  It just isn’t something I’m able to do.  So I responded that yes, I do indeed go by another name:  The Phantom Tire Buyer.

After sending in the form, it occurred to me that I may have made a mistake.  Somewhere in the Passport Authorization Building there is a clerk who will receive a passport application from a person who sometimes calls himself…well, you know.  Alas, I fear that may raise some “red flags” as they say.  Imagine that you were unfortunate enough never to have heard of my good friend Chip Wood or even Tire Discounters.  Certainly, my being a Phantom Tire Buyer makes perfect sense when one understands the context.  But what if you don’t?

Ah well, it appears that I may have some explaining to do.  But how?

To be continued…

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #24



Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

January 17, 2019

The other day I was sitting in my living room re-calibrating my Hunter alignment rack, when I heard the whimsical strains of the Tire Discounters jingle.  It was the chimes on my doorbell, which are programmed to repeat that delightful tune.  Someone was at the door of the Phantom’s Secret Lair!

I opened the door to find a little girl and her mother.  My first thought was that perhaps they’d gone to one of Tire Discounters’ competitors; bought tires without proper alignment, and were now stranded on the road from a tire mishap arising from weeks and months of improper tire wear.

Just then the little girl looked up at me with big brown eyes and asked, “would you like to buy some cookies?”

“This is my daughter Nova, the nice woman explained, and she’s a Girl Scout”.

Now, as a Phantom Tire Buyer, I myself don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but I knew some good friends that did!  “Why yes,” I said.  “I would like some cookies.”

“What kind would you like, sir?”

“Oh S’mores, please, definitely S’mores.”

“Okay great, thank you!  One box of S’mores?”

“No, I’d better get more than that.  I’ll take 120 boxes, please.”


“One for each Tire Discounters location.  They’re growing fast you know.”

They thanked me profusely, and as they departed down the sidewalk of the lair, I heard the little girl ask her mother “can we come back on Halloween?”

The Diary Of The Phantom Tire Buyer – Entry #23

Dear  Diary

A Web Log from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

December 27, 2018

My good friend Mike at Tire Discounters and I were engaging in some friendly small talk today when he asked me what my New Year’s Resolutions were for 2019.   Fortunately, I had already considered various ways that I could be a better Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity.

Here’s my partial list:

  • Don’t startle people. I can patiently explain the importance of tire safety and automotive maintenance.  I don’t need to blurt it out.  Even though it is SO CRUCIAL!
  • Buy and sew on a proper fastener for my cape. The safety pin looks rather unprofessional.
  • Cultivate a sophisticated sense of humor. Oftentimes people have to explain to me when they’re engaged in light-hearted banter or joshing.
  • Get out more. Almost every Tire Discounters is surrounded by places where regular people congregate and get coffee, or shop, or go about the usual business of life.  Caveat:  when acting upon this resolution, always remember resolution #1.