The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #51:

A Web Log about a bad dream from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

I had a nightmare last night.  I’m afraid it’s a recurring bad dream that visits me annually right around this time of year.  I am walking into a strange tire store, not like a Tire Discounters at all, in fact, I would describe it as the Anti-Tire Discounters.  Filled with a sense of foreboding, I look around for the comforting sight of a Hunter Alignment rack – there are none to seen!  No alignment racks at all!

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The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #49:

A Web Log about ASE-certified services from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Dear reader:  I couldn’t believe my ears.  I was speaking with Mr. McGillicuddy, who lives just across the way from my lair, in a top secret location.  He was happily recounting a recent game of the football that he’d watched on television, when suddenly, out of nowhere, he asked “Hey Phantom, you know anyone I could trust to do my brakes?”

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The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #46:

A Web Log about alignment from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

Yesterday I was sitting in the lair “channel-surfing” as they say, when I saw a commercial for a certain tire store with a backwards name.  (I refuse to write or utter their actual name.)  At the end of the commercial, they said “Let’s get you taken care of.”  Now, aside from ending a sentence in a preposition (something up with which I will not put) I must say that I was taken aback.  I picked up the phone:

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The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #44:

A Web Log about signs from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

People often comment to me about the marquee signs that are in front of Tire Discounters, or, as I like to call it, the Greatest Tire Store in the World.  Some people even think that I might have a hand in writing them.  Well dear reader, I can assure you that I don’t.  The truth is, friends tell me that my sense of humor is somewhat, shall we say, underdeveloped. 

Frankly, I find some of the signs a bit off-putting.  For example, one sign recently started out just fine.  The first line read “Family Owned and Operated”.  That’s very sweet, isn’t it?  But it then goes on to say “Shut up – No, You Shut Up.”  Why?  I simply don’t understand this kind of rude, crude communication. 

In fact, I have suggested a few signs to my good friend Chip Wood.  For example, I think “Alignment – So Crucial!” would be of service to public.  Certainly better than “Voted Number #1 Tire Store, Thanks Mom!”  I mean, how reliably can one’s mother judge one’s efforts?  Wouldn’t she be bias toward her son? 

It isn’t as though I don’t at all understand humor, though.  I even wrote a “knock-knock” joke. 

“Knock-knock,” said I to the attractive young lady behind the cash register at the health food store.

“Oh, I love those jokes!  Who’s there!”

“I’m a Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity!”

“A Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity who?”

“That’s me!” I shouted!

“I don’t get it.”

Actually, neither did I.  But I’m used to that.  She, on the other hand, seemed rather disappointed.

The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #38:

A Web Log about my secret identity from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

The other day I left my lair for a trip to the dentist.  As a Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity, when going about my day-to-day life I eschew my cape and glasses and can move about at will – and, I thought, with complete anonymity.  In the small parking lot outside the dentist’s office I performed my usual reconnaissance, casually checking each vehicle or improper tire wear.  What I discovered there was quite disturbing.  “Don’t make a scene” I told myself.

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The Diary of the Phantom Tire Buyer #37:

A Web Log about stores with confusing names from A Phantom Tire Buyer with a Secret Identity

It may come as surprise to many of my readers who think of me as a cool, calm and collected Phantom Tire Buyer with a secret identity, but I suffer from chronic hypertension. Fortunately, my high blood pressure is kept under control through drugs to treat it and the careful supervision of my doctor.  It was quite a surprise to both of us then, to discover in yesterday’s check-up that my BP had skyrocketed to nearly alarming heights. 

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